On blessings and moving and life as of late

-Warning- 

This is really long. It is the long version of how blessed Kelly and I have been over the last couple weeks and how God orchestrated so much in our lives. 

So, lest you should not have time or interest in reading the following novel, here's the short version:

Blessings that all occurred in a week:

1. Kelly got a job

2. We found someone to take the rest of our contract for our apartment

3. We were blessed to receive nearly everything we need for our little girl from loved ones at a baby shower

4. We received an extra check from my work that covers everything we have left to buy before this baby is born

5. We found a buyer for our 2-door car before we even listed it for sale (we are buying a 4-door)

------------------------------

I have been so overwhelmed by gratitude lately. I have considered writing this post many times but haven't quite known how to adequately express my thanks to all who have been blessings in our lives. I think I'll just give it a shot and hope all my thanks to God and others will come through alright.

First, the back story:

Kelly is graduating in three weeks. With his imminent graduation looming, we have been wondering what our next step is. Where are we supposed to work? Where and when do we move? Where is this little girl going to born? (I'm 30 weeks currently and moving super late into the pregnancy has never been a favored plan but one I kind of anticipated) Are we going to have a job? What job should we take? How are we going to afford a daughter?

So many questions existed, yet neither of us has been worried about them. Three and half years ago when we got married I would have been a basket case with so many big things happening all at once, and with so many unknowns. I'm a planner. Ideally, I like to know where we are moving. Like, exactly what apartment we are moving into, about 6 months before we move. I like to know everything. Luckily I have learned, like Nephi, to move forward anyway, "not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." God has shown me time and time again that He takes care of us.

We had been praying specifically for these things to be made known unto us, but we knew He would reveal them in His time, and not ours. I have learned that His timing always works out. And this time has been no exception. So many big things, at least, big things to us, came together all at once. These things I will mention may seem small, insignificant, or random to others, but to me they have been huge blessings that have completely opened up the door for us to start planning our next stage of life.

It started when Kelly got contacted by a recruiter for Goldman Sachs in Salt Lake City several weeks ago. We had not considered applying there, but we had applied several other places at that time, and his chances of getting the positions seemed good. When we heard about applying for the Goldman job, we talked about it, prayed about it, felt good about it and decided the worst thing that could happen was that he wouldn't get it. As he already had pretty good connections elsewhere, we were not worried about being unemployed when the time came.

So we applied. The man we were in contact with told us they were moving fast and would call us the next day (Tuesday) to set up an interview for the following day (Wednesday) in Salt Lake. We never got a call. We never got set up for an interview. We figured: Well, they didn't want us. Whatever. And we moved on. That same week on Friday I left for Washington to spend a week with my parents and have a baby shower at home. Kelly figured he would be busy with work, school, an internship, and his club frisbee team (he's on two teams - coaches one and is a player on one). Well that was all true, but he also became busy with a ton of other things, all at once.

While I was driving to Pocatello to pick up a friend who would be driving home with me, I got a call from Kelly. He had received a call from Goldman Sachs and they wanted to interview him for a different position than he had originally applied for. He obviously accepted and awaited more information about his interview and the position. He got that confirmation Monday evening and his interview was set for the very next day, Tuesday.

Kelly researched the company, the their stock prices, their investments, the CEO, his own position he was applying for, everything he could find about the company. Then he drove down for his interview Tuesday morning. The interview had two parts. The first part was two people who were asking about what he knew about the job he was applying for. Kelly said after all his research, he never could quite  get the answer to that question right, so eventually he just asked them "What will I be doing in this position?" To which he finally received an answer. There was more to that part, but all in all, he told me he was pretty sure he failed it. The second part of the interview he said went really well. It was two different people now, and some of the same plus lots of new questions. He really enjoyed these interviewers, but when he called me after the interview he said "It was good experience for me to interview with a company that large, but I'll likely not be hearing from them again." So we threw that job idea out of our minds.

With that idea gone, we moved on with our lives. That night was the baby shower I had gone home for. I had originally felt weird going all the way back to Washington, to a place I haven't lived in years, so that people could 'give me stuff.' Though I badly wanted to be there to see so many people who helped me become who I am and supported me and shaped me through young women's and high school and my early young adult years. We had no idea how many people would attend as it was week day and there were other things going on that evening. Well, much to our surprise, about 40 people showed up! It was supposed to be outside in my mom's beautiful yard where there was plenty of space, but of course that was the one day that week that is was rainy, so we were all inside. My friend Alyson and my mother co-hosted it, and it was beautiful. I wish I had taken time to take more pictures, but I was so busy talking so many people I care about and that I hadn't seen in years that I never got around to it. I drove to Washington owning essentially nothing for this little girl. I was so abundantly blessed by friends that there is now little else that I need to get! I could not believe it. I went through those gifts countless times in the days that followed, being in awe of everything, and feeling so grateful that others had blessed us to now be so prepared for her arrival. My lovely friends in Rexburg only added to the feeling this past weekend.

Two days later on Thursday, my mom and I were at the temple. As we walked out, I received a call from Kelly. He had been offered the position at Goldman Sachs. We had not actually talked about what we would do if we got it. That idea hadn't even been on the table. As we spoke, we thought we would actually turn it down, as the other positions he had applied for would actually pay better and be permanent. This job was just a temporary contracted position. We learned its basically how they work a graduated internship. They give you a contract so that if they don't like you, they don't have to keep you. Well after our own research, we decided we didn't want a permanent offer from them anyways at this point because they tend to work people to death and we didn't want to be stuck there forever if we didn't like it.

Before making a decision, Kelly decided to speak to the head of the accounting department, who is also a good friend and previous professor of his. Kelly then spoke to his boss at SIRI who also happens to be a professor of his and the person who submitted Kelly's resume to another potential employer. Kelly told them the situation and that he planned on not accepting it. They both pretty much gave him the same advice: you are not closing any doors by taking the Goldman Sachs job. If at the end of the contract, you hate it, you can still get a job anywhere and most likely have way more options because Goldman Sachs is now on your resume. "Take the job" was what he walked away with.

Thursday afternoon Kelly called me back and told me he was planning on accepting and asked how I felt about it. I actually felt surprisingly calm, considering this job came with no benefits and was on the lowest end of the pay scale of jobs he had applied for.

I was able to see the benefits that could come from this job:
--It would rev up his resume fast. Working with a global, billion dollar investment firm right out of college could open so many doors for him.
--If he decides he doesn't like this kind of work, then he knows early on in his career.
--If he doesn't like it, he could have so many other job offers because of his experience at Goldman, so finding another job shouldn't be too hard.
--If he likes it and wants a permanent position, his chances go up a ton of getting it since he already works there.
--If he got a permanent position at the end of it, his salary would likely double (because its a contracted position, they hire him through an agency, kind of like a temp agency, so they take a huge percent of his wage, which is why this job doesn't pay so well. Once it was permanent, it would be directly through Goldman so his pay would go up a ton.)

Once we decided to take the job, things really got moving. We would need to move in the end of July so we needed to find someone to take the last month of our housing contract here in Rexburg so we wouldn't be stuck with paying for two apartments in August. Just so you know, finding someone to take your housing contract in August is not easy. Most people leave Rexburg for the summer. They don't want to move in till September when school starts. We posted our apartment online anyway and got a couple hits, but like we suspected, it was people who wanted the apt in September. I randomly decided to post the apt on Facebook just in case someone knew someone that needed an apt in August.

Not more than 5 minutes later a friend of mine told me she had been looking and our apt fit all the requirements. I was blown away. I thought finding someone to take our apt would be the hardest part of making all the arrangements, yet less than 24 hours after Kelly had accepted his job, our contract was taken. I was quickly seeing every question we had asked and prayer we had offered be answered.
We had been provided with a job. We had found someone to take our apartment. I had been looking online for apartments in Utah and found plenty of options. We had been blessed with most of what we needed for our baby. I was simply overwhelmed and so grateful.

Remember, Kelly and I had been apart for all of these transactions. We had been communicating a lot, obviously, but had each been dealing with different parts of the arrangements. He was dealing with interviewing, researching and accepting a job (all while he still had work, school, and three day frisbee tournament in Cedar City).  I had been dealing with getting rid of our apartment contract, searching for housing in Utah, and solidifying our needs for having a baby (or not needs, as the case may be. Like all the hours I spent making bows with my mom:) I think we make a pretty good team.

I arrived home to Rexburg Saturday evening, and Kelly got home about 4 in the morning from his frisbee tournament. On Sunday after church we went for a drive and reflected on everything that happened while we had been apart and how blessed we were. We then then remembered we hadn't been home to check the mail so we headed over to do that. In the mail was an envelope from work that looked like my pay stub. I usually don't do anything with those for a while because they don't contain anything I need, just a record that I got paid. Well this one had a sticker on the front that said "open, blah blah, something..." so I opened it. I totally forgot that I get paid for the sick days that I don't use. Due to that fact that I have been blessed with great health through this pregnancy, I didn't have to take very many, and was now being handed a check for almost the exact amount we had calculated we needed to buy the larger items that were left for having the baby.

I thought God couldn't possibly give me anything else, but it still wasn't over. We have 2 cars, one of which is getting old (subaru outback), and one that only has 2 doors (ford focus - good car, and we love it, but not ideal for a car seat). We had been praying about what to do with the car situation and hadn't really found an answer, when suddenly we felt like maybe we should sell both of our cars and just get one good 4-door option. In SLC we will be living close to all of the public transportation options which Kelly could take to work, and then we would really only need one car. So we decided to sell our cars. Right as we decided to list our cars for sale (but hadn't actually done so yet) Kelly's brother called and asked us if we ever wanted to sell our Focus and that if we did, he wanted to buy it (his wife will be going to grad school at BYU next year while he commutes to work at the Utah Tax Commission and they will need a second car).

Seriously? Again? Everything, I mean absolutely everything, has come together so fast for us to move on to this next stage in our lives. We can't believe it. I know a big part (or maybe all of it) has been our efforts to increase our offerings to the church, but I had do idea the blessings that would result could be this enormous. All we did was increase our fast offerings and in return He: gave us a job, a taker for our apt, a buyer for our car, almost every single thing we would ever possibly need for our baby, plus the extra money to buy the things we still needed.

I have not been able to stop thinking about Malachi 3:10 where it says: "Bring ye all the tithes (though in our case it was our fast offerings) into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

Happy 3 year engagement anniversary to us!

October 4th will always be special to me. This may have something to do with the fact that three years ago today Kelly asked me to marry him! I figure that day is about as important as the wedding day, since without a proposal we would never would have got there. So to celebrate this joyful occasion I figured I'd tell you how it happened. But not just the engagement, the whole story. The story of us, starting at 14.  Many friends have heard the story. Many have not. Either way, here it is as it is remains in my memory.

Also I lied about yesterdays post being the longest in the history of ever. This one is.

In September 2010 I was a wreck. Things were happening so fast, and I was not ready for it. To understand, let's rewind a little. To high school: Kelly and I knew each other in high school. We were neighbors, and friends, but I was never interested in him. He was however interested in me so we would go on dates and do fun things together, but it still wasn't enough to get me interested. I found him annoying, immature and obnoxious for the most part.

Fast forward a few years: he was on his mission, I was living in England. I started receiving his mission emails from his mother. Apparently this was a hint? I didn't know why I was receiving them but I read them and to my surprise found them very enjoyable, despite the fact I was writing someone else at the time. I began to look forward to his weekly updates, and found myself feeling like I didn't know this guy at all. Everything I read seemed so different from the dork I knew in high school. And to be honest, I was pretty much right. I had not spent a lot of time with him after high school as I went straight to college, and he stayed home and worked. Then I went to nanny in England before he left for his mission. A lot can happen in a year or two in the life of a guy who decides to make some changes.  I also found to my surprise that his letters were hilarious, engaging, and entertaining and still spiritual without being immature and full of words like 'awesome' righteous' 'man' plus a whole lot of 'frickin' or flip'. I always hated letters from missionaries where they sounded like they were trying to be high school gangsters, mormon style. Gag me.

So every week I got his letters. Read them. And thoroughly enjoyed them. I still wrote my other missionary, and dated guys at school. But when August 2009 came around, Kelly had been gone about a year, and I wrote him. And I was fairly sure I liked him. A lot. Like the 'I-could-actually-date-you-now-despite-the-fact-that-I-know-what-you-used-to-be' type of like. But he was on a mission and utterly unavailable. So I wrote him a letter. Two days later I wrote another one. And two days after that I wrote another one. Three letters in a week, I am freak. They were just normal letters news of home, updates in life, nothing crazy (well except the three-in-a-week part...). But honestly I didn't think anything would really come of it because he was dating a friend of mine before he left on his mission and as far as I knew, she was waiting. I was in the mindset of, 'I just got my associates so I could apply to a program that I no longer want to apply too, so I am taking some time off school to rethink what it is I want to study and I need something to occupy my mind, and since Kelly occupies my mind, why not let it be him?' So I figured we could write as indifferent acquaintances...or something. But I shortly found out that circumstances were different, and Kelly no longer had a 'waitee' and I also learned that Kelly had fully expected me to be married to my previous missionary by now, and the fact that I was not left him feeling happy as well. So write we did. I wrote often. He did not. My mom told me I was probably annoying him and that I should only write when he writes. But I tried. And that was boring and I had to wait much to long to write, so I said 'no mom.' And that was that.

Fast forward to August of 2010. He was to come home the twenty somethingth....I used to know the date..like the 23 or 24th or something. I was very excited. I had a trip planned for California for the first two weeks of the month. Half way through our trip, I called my mother to check the address of a place for us, as our GPS seemed to be taking us somewhere strange. But when I called, she seemed super excited that it was me and said "Hey! Guess who's in our house right now?' And obviously I didn't know or care. She was not put off but said "he's really tall, and handsome.." and then I was confused as to why Kelly was in my house. 3 weeks before he was supposed to be home. So like a three year old I quickly asked 'why?' to which I was told he had cancer, and they wouldn't tell me what kind of cancer it was, so then I knew right away it was testicular. So then I spent the next week of our trip stressed out and realizing Kelly was already home and thinking 'this wasn't how it was supposed to happen' and 'oh no what if he dies!?'

On the 13th of August, our trip ended. We were on the last leg of the drive from Oregon when I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I never answer those. But I did this time. It was Kelly. All the girls in the car were screaming and freaking out for me. He wanted to see me later that day. He had only had surgery to remove the tumor a day or two before, so I figured we wouldn't be able to go anywhere really since he was probably still in recovery mode, but I was excited.

The rest of the day I remember in snippets like this:

I got home.
Got ready.
Went to his house.
Saw him.
Was stoked.
He was fine.
He wanted to go shopping.
We did.
Later that night we and his sister went to a movie.
It was fun.

Then from August 13th on it was 'I want to spend all my time with him but we both work full time'  kind of thinking. We did manage to spend a lot of time together. Things started moving quickly. We began talking marriage way too soon for my liking. But everything was moving that way. Part of me was fine talking marriage, but I assumed it would happen August of 2011. That seemed the most natural time. Obviously. Date. Go to school together. Date some more. Get engaged some time between January and April. Get married in August. Duh. What could be wrong with that plan?

When he first mentioned December I got angry with him. Then mad at the world. Then I didn't even like him anymore. Then the next day I was happy again. And then the next I was depressed and angry with everyone and everything. All I could think about was "What will the world think of me? All my life I said I would not be 'one of those' mormons who dates for no time at all and gets married in the blink of an eye." I promised everyone I knew that "to get married in December was the most idiotic thing a person could ever do." I now wondered "what will my coworkers think of me?" (The answer to that was that they asked me if I was pregnant.) I simply could not deal with the thoughts and opinions of others on the matter. It put me into a very bipolar state and poor Kelly never knew which version of Tiahna he would see that night. My family thought I was crazy. His family probably thought I was a witch.

I talked to my aunts about it, my mom, and my friends. Only one seemed to think December was a bad idea. Although my dad figured with how emotional and bipolar I was on the subject that it was probably best not to rush things. I prayed hard. To be honest, I had an experience early on where it became quite obvious exactly what God wanted me to do. He wanted me to get married in December. But I said, out loud in prayer, no less, "you've got to do better than that, God. I am doing this." I was stubborn, tenacious, and quite an idiot.

We talked and talked and eventually figured I probably could do it. Why not? Its going to happen eventually right? So I looked at rings. Lots and lots and lots of rings.  I had wanted a pearl for about my whole life. But I wanted one that looked bridal. Most pearl rings don't look bridal, they just look like a pretty ring. It took a lot of jewelers, but when I saw it, I knew it was my ring, before I even slipped it on. As to when Kelly bought it, I have no idea. But I know he had for almost 2 weeks before any success was had.

He tried to propose several times, to no avail. One night he tried (with the cutest idea ever) but I never came home that night to see the note and the plans. I stayed the night at a friends house. And apparently I forgot to tell anyone where I was. My dad called all over looking for me, because I was not even answering my phone (I was asleep!)

So now we get to October 3rd. It was Sunday, conference weekend. Kelly told me he wanted to go for a bike ride early that morning. I thought is was too early and cold, but we went. It was cloudy. There was no sun. I could tell he wanted to propose. I was in a bad mood and didn't want him to. He didn't. We rode home. It was raining now. My dad had the pre-conference music on the computer and the back door open so he could sit in the hot tub and still listen. I walked inside. My little sis got out of the hot tub and ran inside, looked at me, looked at my hand, got really quite, didn't know what to do, and went quickly back outside. Apparently they all knew Kelly's plans, and now were all aware that I had foiled them. My parents talked to me after the first session and said "Tiahna, what do you want?" and I honestly did not know what I wanted. So my parents told me I was rude and wasting Kelly's time and that I should let him go so he'd stop wasting energy on me. So I called him. He had the same thoughts. We went for a walk. And broke up.

I went home, made brownies, and ate the whole pan with Kaloni while she asked me over and over, "why did you break up with him?" and I answered over and over "I have no idea."

The next at work, October 4th, I realized how nonsensical I was. I texted Kelly to tell him so. He obviously agreed and said that we would talk that night, as he had already agreed to be at our house at 4:30 so the missionaries could come over and my mother dearest could make a birthday dinner for one of the elders. (They were coming to teach one of Kaloni's friends, and it also happened to be one of the elders birthday, and my dad didn't get home from work till later so Kelly had agreed previosuly to be there). Only we didn't get to talk at all that night. We all had dinner together, and the missionaries taught Cade, and then randomly, my girl friends walk inside in their bathing suits and want to get in the hot tub. Sooo I didn't really know what to do.

Kelly decided to leave and I walked outside with him. I ended up walking to his house with him, which   was just around the corner. We talked. I told him I was aware that I was an annoying imbecile and that I really did want him. He pulled out his scripture case which he had with him because of the missionary lesson with Cade, and said "I need to do something, while you're in a good mood" and I thought, 'oh no he is going to read me a scripture about something and try to teach me something about how stupid I have been. Great...' But then he pulled out a little black box and was on his knee and was telling me how much he loved me and was asking me to be his wife, forever. And I could hear him, and was happy, and was kissing him, but I was also aware that my friends were in the hot tub and they kept calling to me (we were neighbors, remember) saying  'Tiahna come back, hang out with us, get in here with us, go get your bathing suit on..blah blah blah"..oh the sweet background music of our special event....haha.

And so the day after we broke up, we were engaged. And happy. I was not bipolar anymore. And I was excited for December 28th. And decided not to think about the fact that my coworkers thought I must be pregnant, or that I was engaged after only officially dating Kelly for about 2 months, or the fact that I was doing the long forbidden December marriage.

My mom told me that life has a way of making you eat your words. And guess what? I have proven that to be true. And you know what else? They might have tasted bitter as first, but the after taste is quite sweet.

I love you babe. Thanks for asking.

The most fabulous of summer weekends

 

Some superbly fabulous things happened this weekend. Ready? Ok.

1. Friday night, we went to Kelly's ultimate frisbee game where they quite thoroughly dominated. This was followed by going to see Iron Man III, and I think I have now asked "Who's the hot mess now?" approximately 46556 times since.

2. My brother Layton came for the weekend and Meredith's family was in town for some really big things in Mer's life, so naturally it follows that it was an awesome weekend. Saturday morning Mer got endowed and loved every minute of it.  I was there and got to meet Mer's perfect family, and it was so easy to see where all Mer's awesomeness came from.

3. Later Kelly, his brother Tyler, his fiancé Nichole, and I went to Monkey Rock to play for the day in the hot sun.  We played in the water, tubed, climbed some rocks, played some frisbee, tanned, laughed and loved every second.

4. That night, Layton and Mer had a photo session with their wedding photographer Justin Hackworth who has blown my mind for a loooong time and I have been more that a little obsessed with. So when Layton called me telling me to get my bum over to Mer's place to help her with her hair woes with was followed by an invite to attend to the shoot to put them at ease, I obviously obliged. It was the. best. photo. shoot. ever. We rode the Rhino and the Gater all over the most beautiful property I have ever seen, and laughed out heads off the whole time. The photos are going to be a dream, I just know. I'm already excited for August so we can call get shot by him again!

5. Layton and Mer came for Sunday Brunch. We had german pancakes because duh, that's about all I make for brunch because I looooove them. Then we had ten pounds of fresh fruit with it and it was a dream. The End.

How was your weekend? 

we landed on boardwalk

It's a good thing I like my husband. I like him waaaay more than I like money. Which is a darn good thing because, in case you've been living in van down by the river and don't know, cancer is expensive.  Even when you have been proclaimed cancer-free your life is still expensive. (I think that one way to get a real good fix to the health care system real fast would be to require everyone who is married and still in college to pay for college and radiation and blah blah blah that all adds up so when they see their bills they will revolt and then make a great change! Or maybe not).

With CT PET scans and radiation treatments and then routine CT scans/check ups every three months (which the exposure to can cause cancer again later on!) your sort of swimming upstream. Thank the heavens for insurance, because his insurance is bomb dot com, but even if it only leaves you with a small percentage, a small percentage of a huge number is still big. Just sayin'. 

For example, the CT PET scan that simply proved his cancer was back last fall was over $12,000 (of which insurance payed a huge part) but really? $12,000 to tell me what the doctors already suspected and were pretty much positive of? (Dangling my participles, sorry.)   We have been holding on real well and enjoying the ride for the last 2 and half years. Until now when we got the mighty fine pleasure of landing on boardwalk.

You know in monopoly where your friend owns boardwalk and they have a hotel on it and you only have a tiny bit of property with no houses on it and no one ever lands on it and you know that the only way to stay in the game for long is if you get lucky enough to miss boardwalk every time and then pass go so that you get some monies to live off till the next time you hopefully miss boardwalk and get money from go again? But then eventually you find yourself on boardwalk. So you give your pittance to the landlord of boardwalk and walk out on that game because well who needs it anyways? You know, that feeling.

Well sometimes when your a college student and cancer patient's wife (or in any number of other situations) you feel like that happens in real life, but what can you do about it except say, "well shoot!" and then just keep on going. Because really, its better when it happens in real life, because when it happens in Monopoly your totally destitute. Well I happen to be typing this on my macbook pro. In my warm apartment. Hence: not destitute.

My husband is cured and healthy and it could have been so much worse, and we have insurance, and I have job and we're having fun prepping for the GRE by expanding our vocabulary; learning words from lists hanging around our apartment (have you guys seen the vocab on the test?!)

My advice? Buy boardwalk.
It pays off.

Kelly Cancer Update

So guess what? After you have radiation treatments they don't tell you if the treatment worked or not for several months. They told us he would have scar tissue there forever so we needed to wait a while before looking at the tumor so they could see if there was any change. Well, a couple weeks ago he had all his appointments and today we got the results. His blood work is normal, and the only thing left where his tumor was is scar tissue! No growth, or changes in shape.  Never been so excited in my life, (except for maybe after the first time we were told his cancer was gone...so much for that). Hopefully it will stick this time and we wont have to ever deal with this again.
That would be awesome.
Can I get an AMEN?

On Bragging and Christmas

This past Fall I got no wife points. Literally. Zilch. I was gone all the time, busy, and stressed out to the max. I think Kelly cleaned the house and made dinner more than I did. An epic failure I was! But no more of that old self, I say! It's a new year, and it brought with it a better stronger braver Tiahna that wont be scared off by long to do lists and jumps at the chance to gain her domestic points back,  (that strangely so many women fought to relinquish. What?) Give them to me, I say! 

I've gone back to my old leaf...or something? And I have made dinner and cleaned the house almost every day since moving here.  Granted, it helps that school gets out at 2:30 and Kelly doesn't get home till about 6.  And it helps that I don't have tons of other homework on top of lesson planning, and it helps that today is a snow day. Teachers get snow days too! So there it is. I am sitting on a couch in my clean apartment listening to the hum of the dishwasher, and watching the snow fall, feeling pretty great about myself. The End.

Now as promised, I will do a show and tell of Christmas break, as it is next on the chronological list of things I haven't shared yet. And actually, I don't have many pictures of what we did, other than on our anniversary getaway, so most of these are from that. 

On the other days of Christmas break (after Whit's wedding and before our anniversary), we saw Les Miserables (decent, not great, and needs a clear play to edit out the master of the house scene), enjoyed all the snow that began to fall on Christmas morning, read a lot of good books while relaxing by the Christmas tree, played Pandemic, (love it!), and had a beautiful stress free time. 

The day after Christmas Kelly took me to a cabin in Leavenworth. It was the neighbor to the cabin that we spent our honeymoon at. Kelly loved it there so much he wanted to go back. It was so quaint and beautiful and buried in snow. 

I believe crying is good for the soul

Kelly studying on the way to radiation

Eastern Idaho Regional Cancer Center. We are in good hands.

We haven't been taking things too seriously around here. We know life could be worse and that his case isn't that bad, and that radiation will cure him right up (although we thought that about surgery the first time. should've knocked on wood. haha)

I have been able to talk about it and not think about it too much and just know that it will be ok. But I finally had my first cancer-induced breakdown on Monday night. He came home from the doctor's with black marks all over his stomach in permanent marker, so that when he went back (today) they could permanently tattoo them on so that they can radiate the exact spot each time.

I saw the little dots. I thought about the radiation going through him and potentially causing diabetes because it's so near his pancreas, and about the increased risk for stomach cancer in the future (what?) I learned that same day that he has an infection downstairs on the other man, which scared the pants off me and sort of made me mad, because you know, what if cancer is not only in his lymph nodes, but back in the first spot again and how maybe we'll never be able to have our own kids and life sucks and woe is me, and those kinds of thoughts, you know.

As I thought about how long it could potentially be until we get to be parents, and how long it could might be until Kelly can stay away from hospitals, I just couldn't keep it in anymore. All my emotions inside came out as liquid. I couldn't stop them. And I didn't want to. Luckily he cuddled me and we talked about our fears and future and family. And I decided God has a family prepared for us. We'll meet them eventually. Until then I get to spend more quality one on one time with their father. In a hospital. yay! (At least we have hospitals. I am grateful for those.)

But now I am looking at his cancer schedule in the office and I am not crying and Kelly is getting tattooed and radiated and I am not scared and it's beautiful outside and I am happy.

***UPDATE: The drive home was interesting. We had to stop a couple of times for him to lose his lunch, and it made my heart sad. I love him.

Weekend and News on Kelly

This weekend was full of General Conference, where there was just so much goodness going on. Watch or listen for yourself. Us Mormons are pretty blessed. Between sessions on Saturday was page upon page of research paper-ness and it was quite awful and I never want to know anything about herbivore and dentition evolution ever again, thank you very much.

Sunday sessions were concluded with family and friends coming over, some amazing curry for dinner, an intense game of scattagories, and an amazing apple pie by yours truly. Pretty perfect weekend if I do say so myself.

In other news, we have an awesome oncologist who didn't believe the two negative tests we got for Kelly's tumor. So test number three came and went, we got a call, and alas, it's cancer alright. 

We met with the radiation oncologist this morning, and radiation starts Wednesday. I hope we're ready for a new adventure and quite a while without kiddos coming to these two people.

I think we are.

Kelly and Doctors and More Tests

Well, the title about sums it up. But here are the details.

We got a call from Kelly's oncologist last week, and he explained that despite blood work that would confirm the absence of cancer, and negative biopsy results, he, and the testicular (Seminoma) cancer experts at Huntsman Cancer Center who he has been corroborating with over Kelly's case,  are not convinced that Kelly's cancer has not made a comeback. They recommended Kelly have a CT PEP scan. He had it today.

They injected him with a radioactive isotope, (Fluoride 14, or something or other). It attaches itself to sugars, and apparently Seminoma tumors take in more sugar because it's cancer, and cancer cells reproduce and grow quickly. So they took scans of his stomach and chest as the isotope made its way through his body.

Apparently its a very accurate method to confirm the absence or prove the existence of cancer in his body. Hopefully this is the last test and we can have some peace of mind. If it comes back negative, then we just watch this tumor and see if there are any changes. We will most likely still have it taken out at Huntsman, if it is negative. If the result is positive for cancer, then our oncologist recommended radiation since it is less intrusive, so Kelly could stay in school and not have to take the semester off.

So there's an update.

Stay tuned for results.

The Details and Result, From Yours Truly, Kelly

      I have learned from my lovely wife that I am not a good story teller. To illustrate this, I will use a real life example. I had a hour and a half appointment with a doctor last week to discus the plan for me. When I came home and Tiahna asked, "So, what happened?" I said, "Nothing."  Then she informed me that I had just returned from a 90 minute discussion and that she wanted to hear the whole conversation from beginning to end. She has a beautiful mind where she can store zillions of hours of conversation and information. As for me, I only can remember the to do list. So in an attempt to repent and show her that I do listen to her I will give my best recollection of the past few days.
      Monday September 10, 2012. I needed to be in Idaho Falls by 9:30am. Luckily I have a pretty open schedule in the morning and didn't miss any classes. After a 45 minute drive I made it to the doctors office. After checking in and filling out miles of paper work that will never be looked upon by anyone for the rest of forever I met with Dr. Mcalester. If your ever in Idaho Falls and need a radiation oncologist I would highly recommend this man. He's nice, good at explaining things and answering questions, and he also has car magazines, which is always a good thing in my book. His office also has the latest and greatest in medical technology.
     Anyways, the conclusion was that we didn't know what was growing in me. All we knew was that I had 'pure sonoma cancer' in my right testical two years ago. The current growth is in my in is the lymph node system near my pancreas, a very common place for my previous type of cancer to spread to. These lymph nodes are connected to the lymph nodes that run to the testicals. (I'm not shy, this is another trait that my wife has talked with me about). So the thought the doc and I had was that this growth came from cells that had lingered after I had my testical removed.
     Well, after talking it through it was decided that I would have a biopsy, which simply means that someone would stick a needle in it and take a sample to have it tested. The biopsy was scheduled for Tuesday morning at 10, but I had to be there at 8:30 for a few more CT scans and procedures. This means that I missed my 2nd intermediate accounting class that is held at 8am. This class is supposedly one of the toughest classes in all the classes held at BYU-I, I say that considering all the chemistry classes that are provided here. Its tough because of the rapid pace that everything is taught.

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This is a CT scan machine for those who have never had the pleasure. You lay down on that plank and you go through the hole. When they slide you through it they inject an iodine mixture into your blood that gives a very warm sensation that almost makes you have to go to the lavatory. (that's my new way of saying restroom, I started calling it that after flying on a plane, lol) After I had my frirst CT scan at 9 I waited for the results. I watched Modern Marvals during my wait until a doctor came and described how the biopsy was going to take place. He told me that he was going to stick a worm like needle through my back and travel down the spine until it reaches the growth. Once at the growth it has a pincer in the head of it that injects itself into the growth and removes a sample. Sounds easy enough. Oh, and he told me that I was going to be awake through the whole thing! Thank goodness they put me on morphine and valium because that needle was not small. After our little chat they rolled me back into the CT scan room. When I got there I saw something really cool that wasn't there before. A craftsmen tool box.

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    I thought while I was being drugged, numbed, and poked with needles,  'that is a really nice tool box, I want one of those.' Then my next memory was laying down in a recovery room waiting to be picked up by Tiahna.
    Now comes the news. Doctor Mcalester called me a few moments ago and told me the results of the biopsy. Turns out that the growth is not a metastasized sonoma cancer. It's a benign tumor that could possibly be a taratoma growth. The wonderful wikipedia defines that as:

A teratoma is an encapsulated tumor with tissue or organ components resembling normal derivatives of all three germ layers. The tissues of a teratoma, although normal in themselves, may be quite different from surrounding tissues and may be highly disparate; teratomas have been reported to contain hair, teeth, bone and, very rarely, more complex organs such as eyes,^[1][2] torso,^[3][4] and hands, feet, or other limbs.^[5]

Usually, however, a teratoma will contain no organs but rather one or more tissues normally found in organs such as the brain, thyroid, liver, and lung. Sometimes, the teratoma has within its capsule one or more fluid-filled cysts; when a large cyst occurs, there is a potential for the teratoma to produce a structure within the cyst that resembles a fetus. Because they are encapsulated, teratomas are usually benign, although several forms of malignant teratoma are known and some of these are common forms of teratoma. A mature teratoma is typically benign and found more commonly in women, while an immature teratoma is typically malignant and is more often found in men.

Teratomas are thought to be present at birth (congenital), but small ones are often not discovered until much later in life.

Since its not a cancer, radiation and chemo will do nothing to it. Which means that I need a doctor who is gutsy enough to take a tumor out of me that is pinned between my pancreas and two blood vessels that run next to it.  And apparently no one in the state of Idaho is. Gutsy, enough that is.

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The lobe on the left is the pancreas. The tumor is between that and the red and blue veins. Since no one in the state of Idaho does this type of surgery, I will have to go to the state of Utah, and visit Huntsman Cancer Center to find the gent who will do me the honors. So this is my current situation as of 11:54 on September 13, 2012.
    I am glad that this is not what we originally thought. Now I don't have to worry about being infertile due to chemo and months of feeling sick. Now I can get the problem solved in one session of surgery. Thank you for all your prayers and support. I will write more after my next doctors appointment next Tuesday.

Love,
Kelly Conrad