Wednesday, October 10

I believe crying is good for the soul

Kelly studying on the way to radiation
Eastern Idaho Regional Cancer Center. We are in good hands.

We haven't been taking things too seriously around here. We know life could be worse and that his case isn't that bad, and that radiation will cure him right up (although we thought that about surgery the first time. should've knocked on wood. haha)

I have been able to talk about it and not think about it too much and just know that it will be ok. But I finally had my first cancer-induced breakdown on Monday night. He came home from the doctor's with black marks all over his stomach in permanent marker, so that when he went back (today) they could permanently tattoo them on so that they can radiate the exact spot each time.

I saw the little dots. I thought about the radiation going through him and potentially causing diabetes because it's so near his pancreas, and about the increased risk for stomach cancer in the future (what?) I learned that same day that he has an infection downstairs on the other man, which scared the pants off me and sort of made me mad, because you know, what if cancer is not only in his lymph nodes, but back in the first spot again and how maybe we'll never be able to have our own kids and life sucks and woe is me, and those kinds of thoughts, you know.

As I thought about how long it could potentially be until we get to be parents, and how long it could might be until Kelly can stay away from hospitals, I just couldn't keep it in anymore. All my emotions inside came out as liquid. I couldn't stop them. And I didn't want to. Luckily he cuddled me and we talked about our fears and future and family. And I decided God has a family prepared for us. We'll meet them eventually. Until then I get to spend more quality one on one time with their father. In a hospital. yay! (At least we have hospitals. I am grateful for those.)

But now I am looking at his cancer schedule in the office and I am not crying and Kelly is getting tattooed and radiated and I am not scared and it's beautiful outside and I am happy.

***UPDATE: The drive home was interesting. We had to stop a couple of times for him to lose his lunch, and it made my heart sad. I love him.


  1. Tiahna, you are truly an amazing woman! Thank you for your thoughts and thank you for sharing your tears and fears. All you are feeling is so NORMAL!!!! You have a right to be fearful, sad, mad and irritated. Those are all God-given emotions, however, give them to the Lord. Let Him take care of all of these things. You get the joy of sitting,loving and being endearing and quirky to your "mister." There is so much more than this time in your lives. There will be new seasons of joy just around the corner, I promise, but more importantly God promises this as well. Hold tight to each other and to your dreams...Love you girl.


Go ahead, you know you want to...